The past two days it was cool, grey, and breezy out.
You’d think the leaves were changing, but everything was bright green.
The whole world felt like Fall, but it’s only just Spring.
Other than the weather, there was nothing special about my happenings.
Let’s start with Britt – she had just left for Ethiopia and we had barely gotten her the airport on time Monday afternoon after getting caught in rush hour traffic. She damn near had a panic attack driving back to her apartment when she realized she had forgotten the business cards her department had made her specifically for the trip and we only had an hour and a half before take off. I’d already driven us halfway there, but something in my gut told me I could get her home and back again by 6:30pm. We made it 6:33pm, after coming from her place in 22 minutes flat. It was a new record even for me, and she could not thank me enough – even when I went in to help her check in so she could go pee.
I stayed up late that night watching TV, much as I usually do when the girl I love leaves. When I finally turned Friday Night Lights off my PS3 Netflix, it was about 5:30 in the morning and the only reason I stopped was because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. This seems to happen anytime I feel my heart tugged at with some great distance amounting. When I got comfortable, I slept like the happiest kid in the world other than two nights prior when Britt had returned from Vegas and we had the most amazing night together.
Tuesday morning I slept in until about 10am before making sure Michelle still wanted to go for a bike ride at Gallup Park. The clouds were heavy, the wind was up, and I had pulled the blankets tight in the cold that came overnight. After some back & forth deliberation, we decided to stick to our plans with only a slight delay other than my own tardiness. She actually thought I might not be coming when I was already halfway there, at which point I sent her a very disgruntled selfie from my bike. The best part came fifteen minutes later when I had to hop the tall Amtrak fence in order to get into the park for a quick shortcut.
We biked downriver to the Dixboro Dam which I had never visited, as far as memory goes. It was the perfect amount of biking for us, only a couple miles, especially Michelle who is still somewhat learning ever since she taught herself to bike ride at the age of fifteen. And I thought Britt’s inability to swim was bad… looks like I have some volunteer service to do!
On the way back to her SUV, we stopped at a bench overlooking the river and rested a bit. She placed her head, helmet and all, resting against my left leg as we talked about life and relationships. I explained to her, much like I had to Devin & Alex at lunch a week prior, that the main reason I was staying with Britt had to do with being happy at the end of the day despite all that we’ve been through. She’s potentially hurt me way more, but I’m also way more forgiving – one of my newly discovered flaws as close friends ask me what I’m still doing attached to Britt. All of them have expressed they’d given up on her long ago.
The truth is we all have our issues and shortcomings. Mine happen to be very fixable, but I think it will be a long time before Britt gets over thinking she was ready to settle down… then having the ground pulled out from under her. Talk about a devastating drop and a long way to fall from even if it was well over a year ago now. My selfish move in Chicago didn’t help her healing although it gave her perspective on what she’d done to me in D.C.
Tuesday night included an extensively emotional talk with Nic, possessing some very high highs and low lows. He got so upset with me over the possibility of me cuddling Michelle that he compared it to the guy that got Chelsea to cheat on him. Then he went on to say he didn’t like me right now and he wasn’t talking to me anymore. You could have cut this sort of judgment and tension with a crummy plastic knife. However, after he threw me a bone about how he probably doesn’t understand Ann Arbor folk, I explained that indeed many of my friends & I had very affectionate or intimate interactions that were strictly platonic.
We finally got our $1 burgers after getting about three drinks deep, embellishing in the happy hour specials and soon sharing some inappropriately loud laughs again. You could tell we were those guys having more fun than everyone, or as Nic likes to say, “Cheers!” Matter of fact, he will tell you himself that he calls that place his very own Cheers, and I can attest he knows the bartenders as well as the cast of the show knew each other. I’m a lucky guy to call Nic my dear friend that has yet to ever grow sick of me, unlike others, lol
After asking Nic if he had plans that night, and explaining it had been my intention to kidnap him, he told me his buddy & him had gaming plans that would be hard to change. And also, he said that he didn’t want to get driven out into the woods and die tonight. Where else can you find someone with a sense of humor like that?? I totally love this guy. So after some spontaneous rethinking, I suggested that he let me take him to the surprise I had in mind for just an hour and then I’d drive his broken-foot-ass home by 9pm.
While on the way, him hobbling along, he guessed that we were going to Live, which he has very openly hated patronizing in the past. However, on this particular night, it was the 2nd ever Open Stage event they were throwing and we both have a love for music. Of course the drink on special was 16oz Johhny Appleseed (hard cider) which we both indulged more in the special price of $3 each. Soon I would learn that Nic’s new “girlfriend” would be very insecure about his outing to Live with the misgiving that it was like any other grinding night – which evidently fueled her jealousy issues & insecurities, thus starting a passive fight between them.
Before we even got to my car, Nic was venting full steam ahead on the text conversation they were having and sharing his frustration. At first it didn’t make sense to me, but then I found out the whole context & story which made it very clear she was over-analyzing… and all of the sudden I was taken back to dating Kaitlin and the exact same shit she did. Once I started telling Nic about my previous experience in this department, a sensation of satisfied relief built up in me. Especially as we sat outside his apartment for a further half hour hashing out his text conversation and other ones that had been. There was a moment I realized how lucky I am now, and how far I have come from the drama I once endured.
Once I got back to Live, I ran into some new friends and chatted it up with them for a bit. It’s amazing how many people I’ve met these past few months, and it really has become important to embrace and nourish the ones that mean the most to me, including the old. Yet at the same time I’m trying to open up existing ones, and so later I suddenly asked Olivia how you know whether someone is cheating on your or not and the discussion that followed totally opened my eyes.
“Why does it matter if she’s sleeping with someone else?” she asked, given that Britt & I still aren’t official (although all actions would speak otherwise, haha). Chris chimed in on this approach as well, affirming that it shouldn’t matter. What was funny is that this made sense to me without them properly explaining it. They kept saying, “Well it should either be all or nothing – none of this non-committal bullshit.” However if we are exclusive and promise to tell each other as soon as we’re not, and it doesn’t look like that’s coming up anytime soon after what has happened in the past, then maybe it’s ok to have feels and not normalize it like everyone else. Perhaps it works for us and that is all that really matters.
Sometimes you just gotta do what makes sense to you, and not worry about everyone else.