Down Heartbroken Lane Again

Here’s how it is: Hannah is one of the greatest friends I could ever ask for and this must never be forgotten no matter how much space or time separates us.  Like tonight, when she was my saving grace for not losing my mind over yet another break up that broke my heart into pieces again.  And it was too late to call anyone else except Kris who was on the line with Britt before I decided to call her and sounded ready for bed anyway, unwilling or unsure of what to say to make me feel better.  But Hannah, holy cow, is simply amazing.

Here’s basically what Britt said: “I just feel in my gut like this isn’t going to work out… like we aren’t meant to be together.”  Congratulations Lettie, the karmic universe decided to play on your team after what I put you through.  I guess I deserve it, right?  This is what happens when you think that life is totally in your control and the cards are countable.  Well guess what, they’re not.  You can’t cheat – literally, figuratively, metaphorically…

I’m in a boat where if I ever do wrong by someone, whether incidental or not, the universe comes around to slap me in the face.  Have I finally learned this lesson yet?  Probably not…

And that’s life.  You make mistakes and then do the best you can to make up for them but sometimes you get put through the shit someone else went through so you can fully appreciate just how much it hurt them.  In this case I traded shoes with Lettie and right off the bat got “cheated” on, felt worthless, then not good enough, and finally was told that I’m not over my ex-girlfriend because there’s no way that is possible this soon.  Well thanks Britt for truly opening up my eyes to fully understanding the shit I put Lettie through.

There’s a silver lining though – if Australia failed because of Britt then I’d resent her later.  Perhaps she realizes this better than I and is doing me a favor after my confession last week about being tired of not being good enough for certain girls – namely my exes but we already know all about that… well at least me and my closest friends do if it’s not written…

And to be honest, part of me is relieved since now I can guiltlessly pursue my dream.
Maybe Britt knows that she isn’t right for me now, despite her own feelings of not being ready to date after what she’s been through the past year.  I was the only exception, and she gave it a fighting chance from the get-go after caving on, “we’re just gonna be friends.”  The flame was undeniable and everything came scarily easy for us to the point we would both openly admit how it weirded us out from time to time.  Whether subconsciously saying things in unison, having the same thought at the same moment, or liking literally just about everything exactly the same, we were a match made for the books.  True love.

This break up makes sense though – we got started on the wrong foot, had a huge trust fall out in less than a month of hooking up, began to heatedly argue in the past week, and to be honest there were times I looked at her and wondered, “Is this really what I want forever?”  When you make it through 28 years of my life, half of which have experienced heart break, you begin to see things through what I like to call “forever binoculars” especially when it’s concerning a woman you start to think maybe you could spend the rest of your life with…

Which leads to the last thing she will have said to me for what will be a while: “I know, Nick. I agree. I just don’t think it was right, at least right now. I’m sorry, I really truly am.”

The funny thing though?  The first thing her Dad said when she told him we were officially dating was, “Well don’t break his heart Britt.”  And he was by far one of the coolest fucking Dads I have ever met in all my years of dating and meeting the parents.  He even did a near perfect Yoda impersonation like me, and I was there to experience it and do one back.  That was before we even officially dated, when she still called me her “best friend” who was the first guy she’d brought home since her 3 year long ex-boyfriend.  Funny how she & I only lasted 3 weeks, not even, before shit hit the fan and left us both feeling like shit.

Seriously this will all be for the best though – Kris said it; Hannah eluded to it after hearing all the red flags I told her with my crash course on Nick&Britt; and honestly I do believe it even now, a mere few hours after the fact.  Things happen for a reason, and Britt is doing me a service by throwing in the towel decisively now rather than breaking our hearts later.  That’s how it is: things happen for a reason.  I was meant to meet her and go through this.  It just sucks to fall in love so hopelessly only to have the one you love take it away from under your feet because they didn’t tell you their gut was saying otherwise.

Still, I’m in a better place now.  I can focus on Australia again, an adventure coursing through my veins that I swear is begging me to come.  Call it intuition, call it fate, call it what you will but it just seems so universally right for me to go down under and take flight.  So here we go back to achieving one last dream and desperately trying to make it happen.

Australia or bust ~

Yukon Ho!


About nt3x5

I like cheesecake like no one's business.
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